so i made it!! i'm sitting at a net cafe, about a five minute walk from my flat....in DOHA, QATAR!!
i cannot explain the pain of leaving my family. the tears at the airport. the line-up before heading into security, snaking our way through the roped line. looking back at my fiance's face. not knowing when i'd see it again...but knowing for sure it wouldn't be for a while. the pain of seeing my mother's face traced with tears. not knowing the pain a mother feels in these situations, but knowing it's enough to add a few wrinkles on her face.
justifying leaving in that situation is not possible. so all i could pray for is that something good may come out of the move, and so far so great. the travelling was easy thanks to a dear friend who hooked me up with an upgrade. the arrival was so-so, the appartment was as well. it took a day or two and everything is in order now. the appartment is fantastic, the weather bearable (mad dashes from a/c in car to a/c in office). the only detail is adjusting to various body odors...consquences of various personal hygiene habits.
the office and colleagues are a bonus. it may be too soon to tell, but everyone is brilliant and i feel more than equipped to do my job.
just a quick thank you for the supportive voices out there. i SO appreciate the time you take to reply to these notes. i write them hoping they'll resonate with someone and know that the fears/joys i face may have been felt by others.
more to come, with greater details about what it's like in a gulfie/quasi-wahabi country. where 34C and humidity is considered "GREAT WEATHER!!".
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Leaving... :(? :)?
I got my ticket confirmation today. I'll be leaving for Doha on Monday. My departure was supposed to be early April and kept getting pushed back...so you'd think I'd be ready by now. I'm not. There is a torrent of emotion going through me and I can't pin each one down. There's so much anxiety, fear and guilt battling with curiosity and excitement. I don't know which one I should allow myself to feel.
My parents are barely settled in and I feel I should be here for them. I'm middle-eastern, so the "it's my life and I should go ahead and live it" doesn't apply. I'm worried how it's going to be for them, but then again, I wonder what difference it would really make if I was here for another week or two. And then I think of my mom, and how she would appreciate my being there for things like painting and picking out colors and materials. She doesn't lay the guilt on at all, but the silence of her saying it hurts even more.
Then there's my fiance. The guilt of forcing seperation on him, as much as he was aware of my goals and dreams when we met, to make this a reality may be too much. To me, being engaged isn't a "trial period", I've been as good as married since he proposed. (For those married folks, I know things change when you're married for real, what I mean is that I have no doubts that he's the one). I wonder where "absence makes the heart grow fonder" comes from. I wonder if I should have waited until we were married to move away like this. I hate thinking "time will tell". Time never tells. Time only reveals peoples behavior, it reveals choices and the consequences they bring. For now, all I can chose to believe is what I know for sure....and that is that my love for him his true and unwavering. My intentions are to build myself into the best, strongest woman I can be and so to be the best, strongest partner my partner may ever need.
And then there's the job itself...there's SSSOOO many "what ifs" where that is concerned. The consequences of loving/hating it. The adjusting to the way of life out there. The meeting new people and making new friends. I don't even have an emergency contact!! Who is gonna be able to rescue me in case I get a major disease??? Ok...thinking about it will just cause more frenzy. I learned long ago that I can analyze and prepare all I want, it still doesn't mean I'll know how to deal with it when I get there. And you can live without an emergency contact, right?
I have a little over five days left in Montreal. I'll try to make the best of each and will attempt not to tinge them with the concerns I've been having the past few hours.
My parents are barely settled in and I feel I should be here for them. I'm middle-eastern, so the "it's my life and I should go ahead and live it" doesn't apply. I'm worried how it's going to be for them, but then again, I wonder what difference it would really make if I was here for another week or two. And then I think of my mom, and how she would appreciate my being there for things like painting and picking out colors and materials. She doesn't lay the guilt on at all, but the silence of her saying it hurts even more.
Then there's my fiance. The guilt of forcing seperation on him, as much as he was aware of my goals and dreams when we met, to make this a reality may be too much. To me, being engaged isn't a "trial period", I've been as good as married since he proposed. (For those married folks, I know things change when you're married for real, what I mean is that I have no doubts that he's the one). I wonder where "absence makes the heart grow fonder" comes from. I wonder if I should have waited until we were married to move away like this. I hate thinking "time will tell". Time never tells. Time only reveals peoples behavior, it reveals choices and the consequences they bring. For now, all I can chose to believe is what I know for sure....and that is that my love for him his true and unwavering. My intentions are to build myself into the best, strongest woman I can be and so to be the best, strongest partner my partner may ever need.
And then there's the job itself...there's SSSOOO many "what ifs" where that is concerned. The consequences of loving/hating it. The adjusting to the way of life out there. The meeting new people and making new friends. I don't even have an emergency contact!! Who is gonna be able to rescue me in case I get a major disease??? Ok...thinking about it will just cause more frenzy. I learned long ago that I can analyze and prepare all I want, it still doesn't mean I'll know how to deal with it when I get there. And you can live without an emergency contact, right?
I have a little over five days left in Montreal. I'll try to make the best of each and will attempt not to tinge them with the concerns I've been having the past few hours.
Friday, July 6, 2007
Painting it black...
I must start by thanking you all for your encouragement. I was worried blogging would make everyone think I'm a little self-obsessed and then I figured if I started caring about what other people would think, then I would start censoring myself. A big no-no in my world. I did a radio show at my old job and we were talking about blogging and putting your life out there. Callers were very adamant about how people who blog have nothing to offer really and that there's no need to read about other people when you have your own life to live. I guess they'd be happy to also live completely cut out from the outside world with no human contact apart from a doctor's visit. Those are the people who die and have no one who goes to see them.
So back to blogging...which I will be sure to do without long lapses in time.
Doha is happening soon. I got my work visa this week and my flight is being arranged by the company. There's something final about one-way tickets. Like there is no way back at all, even though you could just book yourself a ticket back. It gave me the shivers when they told me I'd be getting booked on one for mid-July. Level 2 panic came when I found out I'd only be allowed 2x 23kg of baggage instead of the usual 2x 32kg for international flights. Something about airlines not wanting to pay insurance premiums for their employees who get back problems from lifting heavy luggage. I think I'll just shut up and pay the extra $$ and not cut shoes and make-up.
Technically I have a little over a week left here, and even though I anticipated the move, I am far from ready. My parents just sold their house to my fiance and I. It will hopefully be rented soon or the money that was supposed to be saved for the wedding will be spent in mortgage payments, in which case this blog will turn into a fundraising tactic a-la-Star-Jones. So it's been a fairly big move considering they weren't able to land movers. Even middle-eastern bribery (ie: offering your eldest daughter) did not work (and not because she's engaged, but because the companies felt this was an unbalanced trade).
Three rented moving trucks, three days, and many "thanks!" to friends later, we are finally settled in the new place. I use "settled" loosely considering we don't have a fridge or stove til next week. So we paint to keep ourselves busy. My room has gone from a black/charcoal/green to a fabulous canary yellow, the ceiling fan replaced by a small classic chandelier and the furniture I will paint black. Along with the entrance wall and any other accent piece. I've learned that "every room needs a touch of black". I will let you know how it goes.
So back to blogging...which I will be sure to do without long lapses in time.
Doha is happening soon. I got my work visa this week and my flight is being arranged by the company. There's something final about one-way tickets. Like there is no way back at all, even though you could just book yourself a ticket back. It gave me the shivers when they told me I'd be getting booked on one for mid-July. Level 2 panic came when I found out I'd only be allowed 2x 23kg of baggage instead of the usual 2x 32kg for international flights. Something about airlines not wanting to pay insurance premiums for their employees who get back problems from lifting heavy luggage. I think I'll just shut up and pay the extra $$ and not cut shoes and make-up.
Technically I have a little over a week left here, and even though I anticipated the move, I am far from ready. My parents just sold their house to my fiance and I. It will hopefully be rented soon or the money that was supposed to be saved for the wedding will be spent in mortgage payments, in which case this blog will turn into a fundraising tactic a-la-Star-Jones. So it's been a fairly big move considering they weren't able to land movers. Even middle-eastern bribery (ie: offering your eldest daughter) did not work (and not because she's engaged, but because the companies felt this was an unbalanced trade).
Three rented moving trucks, three days, and many "thanks!" to friends later, we are finally settled in the new place. I use "settled" loosely considering we don't have a fridge or stove til next week. So we paint to keep ourselves busy. My room has gone from a black/charcoal/green to a fabulous canary yellow, the ceiling fan replaced by a small classic chandelier and the furniture I will paint black. Along with the entrance wall and any other accent piece. I've learned that "every room needs a touch of black". I will let you know how it goes.
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