I got my ticket confirmation today. I'll be leaving for Doha on Monday. My departure was supposed to be early April and kept getting pushed back...so you'd think I'd be ready by now. I'm not. There is a torrent of emotion going through me and I can't pin each one down. There's so much anxiety, fear and guilt battling with curiosity and excitement. I don't know which one I should allow myself to feel.
My parents are barely settled in and I feel I should be here for them. I'm middle-eastern, so the "it's my life and I should go ahead and live it" doesn't apply. I'm worried how it's going to be for them, but then again, I wonder what difference it would really make if I was here for another week or two. And then I think of my mom, and how she would appreciate my being there for things like painting and picking out colors and materials. She doesn't lay the guilt on at all, but the silence of her saying it hurts even more.
Then there's my fiance. The guilt of forcing seperation on him, as much as he was aware of my goals and dreams when we met, to make this a reality may be too much. To me, being engaged isn't a "trial period", I've been as good as married since he proposed. (For those married folks, I know things change when you're married for real, what I mean is that I have no doubts that he's the one). I wonder where "absence makes the heart grow fonder" comes from. I wonder if I should have waited until we were married to move away like this. I hate thinking "time will tell". Time never tells. Time only reveals peoples behavior, it reveals choices and the consequences they bring. For now, all I can chose to believe is what I know for sure....and that is that my love for him his true and unwavering. My intentions are to build myself into the best, strongest woman I can be and so to be the best, strongest partner my partner may ever need.
And then there's the job itself...there's SSSOOO many "what ifs" where that is concerned. The consequences of loving/hating it. The adjusting to the way of life out there. The meeting new people and making new friends. I don't even have an emergency contact!! Who is gonna be able to rescue me in case I get a major disease??? Ok...thinking about it will just cause more frenzy. I learned long ago that I can analyze and prepare all I want, it still doesn't mean I'll know how to deal with it when I get there. And you can live without an emergency contact, right?
I have a little over five days left in Montreal. I'll try to make the best of each and will attempt not to tinge them with the concerns I've been having the past few hours.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
6 comments:
Ooh... that’s so cute..... I'm sure you will have a blast there... and so will your fiancé when you’re gone… I ear the guys in Doha are pretty hot. My sister was there a few years ago and never had as much fun anywhere else as she did in Doha… so what if it doesn’t work out with you and him!!! You could always find yourself another one there…
WOW... I love your writing style sweetie. And you will be great, and so will we. And It’s not a trial period, its just a reality. I love you and I’m not afraid to put it out there for the whole world to know/read and see… you are already in my heart my wife. Nothing can change that. No distance between us will ever challenge my feelings for you
wow...i wasn't expecting that last response. i'm sure "anonymous" is trying to be supportive. hhhmmmm. at least i am hoping you are. i am fully expecting it "work out". i'm just nervous about the rough patches we will inevitably face. rough patches don't mean BREAKUP!! wowowowwww. :)
As someone who has lived apart from their loved one, I say it will be fine. Humans are amazing at adjusting to new situations. You will both adjust and find new routines that work for the two of you. Missing someone is a difficult feeling but you find ways to cope and look forward to the next phone call or visit :) I can't tell you how much Ryan and I appreciate each other now because of having lived in different cities for so long.
I'm so proud of you and the adventures you create for yourself!
Deb
I know exactly how you feel... I'm leaving a lot of people I've grown to love very dearly over the last 5 years in Cayman to make a journey of the opposite direction as you, and it's not any easier than the first time, moving away from Montreal as opposed to back to it. But these experiences are the ones that make you an adventurer, and I'm guessing from your past history that an adventurer is exactly what you are. There's a time to compromise and a time to go after your heart's desire, and if you're feeling the need to go, then do it. Part of the adrenaline that comes from adventure is fear, so don't worry, be open, and have faith in your relationship and teh surprises this trip has in store for you... and most of all, don't forget to have fun!
Dear Paris,
you inspire me beyond words. Your wisdom, you courage, your confidance, your love and passion for what you're doing and the love you and Alex share will only grow stronger with this distance.. it may be a 'test' but surely one you will both pass. I ahve no doubt, and I know that you and Alex both have no doubts whatsoever, you are such a beautiful couple inside and out. Ever since you first told me about Alex, I knew from looking into your eyes and the smile that kept growing as you spoke of him , I knew then that he was the one that would be your husband, your life partner, and I know it will only be better. There's no other way.
Thank you for sharing your stories with us, you truly inspire me every day, I love and miss you and am sending you a VERY BIG (((((HUG)))))
Be safe, Be strong,and KNOw that we all love you and are supportive of all you do no matter what, and no matter where you are on the globe, you are in our hearts.
Je t'aime mon amie:)
-Chantal
Post a Comment